Confessions
by Admiral Sab
Summary: Trip and T'Pol have some confessions to make.written before Home aired Home speculation.


Confessions by Admiral Sab

Disclaimer: I'm not making any money from this believe me. All I own from the franchise are DVD's and action figures, and I paid for those.

Rating: PG

Summary: Trip/T'Pol have some confessions to make! Set after "Home" (which hasn't aired yet).

Archive: sure just ask me!

E-mail:

A/N: Some spoilers from "Home", just my speculation of what might happen. Special thanks to Stubadingdong and Agentj for their beta help! (origiinally submitted to Trip/T'Polers as a part of the Endless Summer Hiatus Challenge.

**Vulcans do not experience fear, or so they have convinced the rest of the universe.** Charles Tucker the III was not convinced, however, as he watched his Vulcan friend looking at the plate of cheese fries with **trepidation**.

"It's ok, T'Pol, you don't have to eat it. I just thought you might like to try it. I tried that soup you're always going on about, I figured you might like to try cheese fries."

"You thought wrong."

"Fine. Eat the **pasta** that Chef prepared. You won't hurt my feelings."

T'Pol nodded her head in agreement as she got up to get her tray. Trip couldn't help but watch her walk away with a grin. _Vulcans have also tried to convince us they don't have a sense of humor, but I know better_, he thought. His mind drifted to a time when she first came on board. Never in a million years would he have thought that they would become friends let alone...well whatever they were. She wouldn't even shake his hand, but now she offered her hand in comfort. She wouldn't tell him how old she was, but she had given that information freely. It was a gift that only he could appreciate. She confided in him with that sensitive information. It showed her trust in him. He couldn't believe it. She trusted him and he trusted her. They'd come so far and now when it seemed that they were finally reaching a point where they could move beyond friendship, Koss showed up and ruined everything. T'Pol had married him out of duty to her mother and with the agreement she be allowed to return to Enterprise for a year. Koss wasn't happy about that ;at first Tucker wasn't either. But after awhile things were beginning to return back to where they were. Well almost where they were.

"Commander?" T'Pol woke him from his reverie.

"Huh?" Trip hadn't realized he'd been that deep in thought.

"Commander, I must report to the bridge; however, later I would like to discuss a personal matter with you." T'Pol was trying to get the words out without sounding anxious. She'd been putting this particular talk off for awhile and by the judge of her emotions lately, it was time to let him in.

"Oh. Sure."

With yet another courteous nod she was out the door and headed to the bridge. She wanted to get there early so she could finish her work as soon as possible. She had to do some deep meditating to prepare for the evening that lay ahead.

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She entered her quarters and lit her meditation **candle**. She tried to focus her thoughts on controlling her emotions. In her mind, she went to a **desert** place and the sounds of the **katydids** were very relaxing for her mind and body. She felt calm and serene. It was quite peaceful. Suddenly, there was a cry from a **banshee** that disturbed her dream. The sound of the banshee turned out to be the door announcing someone's presence.

"Come." Her voice was calm, but inside she was shaking.

"Hey, T'Pol."

"May I help you, Captain?"

"I tried to contact you, but you weren't answering. I see now you were probably meditating. I'm sorry to interrupt."

"I was almost finished. Do not apologize."

"Shortly after you left the bridge, long-range sensors picked up a planet with a new kind of isotope. I was thinking you and Trip could go down and investigate. I want the both of you to meet me in the Mess. We can discuss it privately over dinner."

"Very well."

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She was in a **sward** laying in the grass and her **lover** was reading to her. The **children** were running around playing in the meadow. The whole scene was serene and quite disturbing. The southern accent of her lover wasn't the disturbing part, it was how happy and content she was in this scenario. Perhaps more relaxed then at the desert listening to the katydids. The banshee cried again.

"Come." She already knew who it was. He had already called her to let her know that he was willing to talk to her before the meeting with the captain, hence the need for the second round of meditation.

"Did it work?"

"Did what work?" Sometimes Trip Tucker asked the oddest questions at the oddest times.

"The meditation? I figured you must be meditating after the 'cheese fries' incident."

"That was a minor incident. Hardly worthy of intense meditation." The vision of the sward was coming back and she longed for that moment. Her Vulcan brain would not allow these thoughts as she pushed them to the back of her mind.

"Oh. Well what is worthy of intense meditation?"

"Please sit down and I will tell you." She was prepared for this moment and knew it had to be done. He deserved to know.

"All right." He sat down and let her talk.

"Do you remember the mission with the Seleya?" It was a rhetorical question because of course he remembered that mission. He nodded and again didn't speak.

"You recall the effects the Trellium-D had on the passengers of that ship and the effects it had on me?" Again just a nod. She continued, "After that mission, I wanted to experience emotion again. I believed I could control it. I used the Trellium to access certain emotions. It wasn't until after Azati Prime when I realized that I had become addicted. I could not get to the Trellium and I was having withdrawal symptoms. I went to Doctor Phlox for help." During the whole confession Trip's mind was slowly catching up to her and her words were sinking in. Azati Prime. The only thing he could think was _WHY?_

"This isn't easy for me to say and I have had difficulty admitting that it was a problem, but I sought help. I did not want you to know because I didn't want you to see me differently. You are disappointed in me and I can see that in your eyes. You have questions and I can not answer them. I did not know the true effects it would have on me. My future self told me that I would never return back to who I was before I accessed these emotions. These emotions will always be with me and I struggle every day to control them. I am telling you this now because I trust you and I believe that you can help me. The future T'Pol said that your future self was a great help for her. I need that help, Trip. I can not function with these emotions. I only wish I'd told you before our journey to Vulcan. Maybe then I wouldn't be a married woman asking for another man's help."

Trip sat silently after she'd finished trying to let it all sink in. He was a little annoyed that she reminded him she was a married woman. As if he'd ever forget that. He could never forget that moment: watching her marry Koss. He had wanted to interrupt and tell her how he felt then, but he knew it was for the best that he said nothing. Sitting here now, in this moment, he realized nothing else she said was as important as the words, I need you. She was crying out for help and he had to be there for her. He couldn't condemn her right now. He couldn't yell at her and ask her why would she do something like this. How could she risk the lives of the crew to experience emotions that now she wished would go away? She didn't need that, she'd obviously already been doing enough of that to herself. Right now she desperately needed a friend. And he'd be that friend. He had to be there for her. She was there for him after all.

"It's ok, T'Pol. You got help and that's important. I also wish you'd told me sooner, but I'm glad you told me now. I want to help you T'Pol, but you have to let me." And with that he saw a sight he thought he'd never see. She began to tremble with tears. She was crying, openly. He reached out to her and she pulled away, only for a second. Then she gave in. This was what she needed. What happened next was completely unexpected. He kissed her. He hadn't planned to, but he did. His lips were just drawn to hers as if a magnet were pulling them together. The fact that she didn't break the kiss was also unexpected. Then he heard the comm beep and the moment was over.

A little out of breath T'Pol answered the comm. "T'Pol here."

"Are you still meditating?"

"No captain, I just finished. I'm on my way." With a glance at Tucker they left her quarters together and arriving at the galley separately. Trip had a lot of thinking to do. His mind was reeling from the kiss. How could he have done that? She was a _married_ woman; _unhappily _married woman, but married just the same. He had always thought himself a gentleman. He'd been brought up to honor marriage and treat it with respect. He wasn't brought up to kiss other men's wives! He had to talk to somebody, but who?

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"Better late than never, Trip."

"Sorry, Cap'n." He looked at T'Pol and saw a hint of discomfort.

"Your food is already here. I took the liberty of ordering for you since you were running late."

"Thanks." He couldn't look T'Pol in the eye so he stared down at his food.

"All right, let's get down to business, shall we? This planet we're heading for looks very similar to **Mars. **No life signs have been detected, so far. So it should be pretty uneventful. Now, this isotope could be a major scientific breakthrough. I want you two to work together to find it."

The two stopped eating and eyed each other. They were definitely not sure about this mission they were about to go on. Archer sensed the tension and broached the subject.

"Is there a problem?" Jonathan Archer didn't want to pry, but he also didn't want his two senior officers at odds with one another.

"No" T'Pol said simultaneously with Trip's reply: "Yeah." The looks they were shooting each other were not healthy. Archer had to get to the bottom of it. Since, Trip was admitting to the problem, then he'd let him do the talking.

"Ok. Trip, what's the problem?"

"The problem is: we shouldn't be going down there alone Captain." There he'd said it. It's what they were both thinking and he had to be honest. Besides the Captain had a right to know what was transpiring between his two senior officers.

"Oh. You think I should send Malcolm with you? For protection?"

"No, that's not what I meant, Captain. I meant we shouldn't be going down there together."

"Why?"

Did he have to spell it out to his captain? What was he supposed to say? _Because she and I can't seem to control our emotions nor our lips, who knows what else we'll have to control while on that shuttlepod! _The captain would understand that, but he couldn't say that. Not with T'Pol sitting right there by him. She knew what he meant because she felt the same way. She was looking at him now with that raised eyebrow look. As if to say "nice try."

"Captain, I believe Commander Tucker and I should not be allowed to be on this away mission together due to personal reasons." T'Pol stated matter of factly. Trip almost laughed at the way she made it sound so professional. Archer wasn't totally clueless. He'd noticed the subtle change in relationship between the two; he noticed the looks that passed between the pair and he heard the rumors. He was baiting Trip and doing a good job.

"What personal reasons?" There goes the worm.

"They're personal, sir." Trip hoped his friend wouldn't pry further.

"I think I have a right to know, Trip. If it's keeping my senior officers from being on away missions together." Trip was trying to wriggle his way off the hook. Archer wouldn't let him.

"Commander, he is correct. Perhaps we should explain it to him." So, it would be T'Pol to rise to the bait.

"You sure?" He was surprised that she was willing to talk about something so personal to the captain. It was something that they hadn't talked about together yet. But there was no time like the present. After her nod of approval, he began.

"Captain, I don't know if you've noticed this or not, but last year T'Pol and I spent a lot of time together."

"I noticed. She'd been giving you neuropressure to help you sleep." Archer was enjoying this.

"Yeah, she was. It was more than that though. She was helping me through a rough time. I finally had a breakdown over Lizzie and T'Pol was right there by my side. She helped me realize I just had to confront my sister's death. I had to deal with it." Archer's eyes were on Trip. Archer had wanted to be there for his friend, but he just never seemed to have the time. The burden of saving Earth took its toll on his body and on his friendships. Archer was glad to know that someone had aided Trip even if it wasn't him. To hear that T'Pol was the one made him feel a slight pang of something. He wouldn't call it jealousy, but it was a similar feeling.

"Well, I'm glad you got help. Sorry I couldn't be there for you, Trip." Trip accepted the apology with a smile.

"Don't worry about it, Captain. You had your own worries at the time. Saving Earth was a big responsibility. I understand."

"So, you and T'Pol are friends now? Is that it? So that's why you can't go on this mission together alone?" Archer wanted to get the subject at hand back on track. A more happy subject.

"T'Pol got married on our trip to Vulcan, sir." Archer was unmistakably shocked. He had no idea. He had been teasing Trip all evening, but this was more serious then he'd believed.

"You're married?"

"Yes, Captain. The marriage was arranged when I was a child. I had thought the matter resolved three years ago when I didn't agree to return home to marry. However, my fiancée located me at my parent's home. We were married the next day."

"She didn't want to do it, Captain, she was forced into it. Koss left her with no choice. He threatened her mom." Things were beginning to become more clear to Archer, but one thing still confused him.

"So, you married Koss out of obligation and duty to your family. I understand that. What I don't understand is what this has to do with the away mission tomorrow?"

"Captain, she and I still have some unresolved issues and it might interfere with our work performance. I'm concerned that she and I won't be able to concentrate."

"Trip, I think you can handle yourselves. T'Pol doesn't experience emotions anyway and you can keep yours in check."

"Ordinarily I'd agree with ya, Captain, but I have reason to believe differently."

"And why is that?" Archer braced himself for whatever was to come.

"Well, sir, it's complicated." Trip knew this was a cop out. It wasn't complicated at all. He was in love with a woman he could never have and now with the knowledge that she did experience some emotions due to the Trellium, he was sure she loved him too. He had already kissed her this afternoon, he couldn't let that happen again.

"It's complicated? Even for you, the _Chief _Engineer?" Archer was once again teasing his friend trying to lighten the mood.

"T'Pol, I'd like to talk to the captain alone."

"Of course." She left the room looking back only once.

"I'm in love with her, Captain." Time stood still in this instant. Archer had to replay the scene in his mind to make sure he heard him right. He repeated the words back to make doubly sure, "You're in love with her?"

" I don't know when it happened, but it did. I didn't realize it until it was too late though. She was off to marry Koss and I didn't want to put more pressure on her. I was worried she'd call off the wedding if she knew or worse not call it off. Captain, I-"

Archer had known they had feelings for each other, but he didn't realize how deep they went. For the first time this evening, he understood his friend's dilemma."So that was the unresolved issue? You didn't want to go down alone because you were worried you would not be able to control yourself?"

"Captain, tonight, before we came here...I kissed her." Trip was unable to look Archer in the eye when he spoke. He was ashamed at his actions. Archer realized that Trip still needed him and he'd be there for him now. "Trip, it's understandable. Don't beat yourself up over it."

After a pause, he again tried to console his once best friend, but Trip stopped him.

"Don't beat myself up over it? How can I not, Captain? It's not understandable. My mother raised me-"

"I know she raised you to do the right thing. She raised you to honor marriage, but Trip you aren't perfect. You make mistakes just like everyone else. You're not infallible."

"I know that, Captain, but this isn't just a little mistake. This is a big deal. I kissed a married woman. I feel duty bound to contact Koss and let him know, but not at the risk of T'Pol's life. So what do I do? Keep it a secret between us? I can't even look at T'Pol anymore."

"Just give it time, Trip. Things will get better. There's no need in telling Koss anything. It happened once and you admit it was a mistake."

"Yeah, it was. Although, I feel terrible regretting that kiss with T'Pol because I love her, but it wasn't right."

"No it wasn't."

"Captain, I think it's for the best if I get transferred to another vessel." Archer let his head hang for a minute. His friend was still trying to punish himself.

"Commander, I'm not transferring you to another ship. You're just going to have to deal with this. You are two adults and I'm sure you can find a way to handle your feelings. Just don't let yourself be alone with her again. Not right away. Is there anything else I can do for you though?"

"Nah. The only thing I need right now is a friend and maybe for Koss to get blown out an airlock."

The two men laughed in each other's company. "Well, I wasn't there for you when Lizzie died, but I can be here now. I want to help you. Tomorrow, I'm sending Malcolm on the team with you."

"Thanks, Captain."

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The End.


End file.
